September 22, 2012

50's Sitcom Mom...

I was on the phone with a mom friend recently when Daughter decided to pull out a whole bag of "I know I'm not supposed to be doing this" tricks.  I say, "Hold on a sec."  I hold my phone down by my side and scream, "What do you think you're doing?  Do you think I can't see you just because I'm on the phone?  Stop it RIGHT NOW!"  I put the phone back to my ear and  say, "Sorry about that."  She replies with, "I try not to raise my voice with my children."  I politely told her I needed to let her go cuz Daughter was trying to see how many things she could try to get away with while she thought I wasn't paying attention.

I was polite on the phone but what actually went through my head was, yeah, I TRY to not raise my voice to my children either but sometimes it's just called for.

I got the chance to think about it later and kinda giggled cuz now I remembered this friend could be categorized as my "50's sitcom housewife" friend.

She is that mom that always looks like she could walk out the door and into a cocktail party without changing a thing other than taking off her apron.  And yes, she does wear an apron while cooking and cleaning.  Her house is always clean, like "white glove test" clean.  There isn't even clutter!  How do you live with two children and a husband and have NO CLUTTER?!?  She has that "I'm thinking happy thoughts" smile plastered on her face all the time that only too many pills can give you.  Dinner is ALWAYS on the table as soon as her husband walks through the door.  And speaking of her husband...he can come and go as he pleases.  If he comes home late from work, he doesn't call and explain.  He took a vacation to go with fishing with his buddies and she didn't know about it until he started packing!

Him knows that if he tried to pull that, he should just not come home.  Either the locks would be changed or I'd be on the porch with a gun and a bottle of tequila asking him, "Do you feel lucky?"

Anyway, back the original subject of her not yelling at her children.  This is the scenario I imagine.  I know that her kids' playroom is in the basement so I'm pretty sure they are banished to the basement most of the day and only allowed on the main floor if it's time to feed them and she probably stays on the main floor cooking and cleaning with a wine bottle tucked in one pocket of her apron and her "happy" pills in the other pocket.  This is the scenario I imagine because if you spend time with your kids at all, they are bound to do something that just irritates the crap out of you and after they do it three more times and turn to you and say, "I just did what you told me not to do!" would have to be drunk and high to NOT raise your voice!  But I guess banishing your children to the basement would work too cuz then you just never even see the trouble they're getting into and you can live a happy life believing that they are perfect angels.

Maybe I should stop paying attention to my children too so I can stop yelling and getting headaches and I too can have a "I'm ignorant to the fact that my life isn't perfect because I swallow my emotions with the same shot of bourbon that I  wash my Prozac down with" smile on my face all the time!

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