August 10, 2013

They Needed To Miss Me...

So, it's been a while since I posted anything.  My last post was way back in March.  So let me update you through a series of posts starting with this one.

As a mom, I made the decision to stay home with my children.  I was home whenever my kids needed me.  Which also meant I was home whenever my kids decided they wanted me to go away and leave them alone and let them have time with Him.  Daughter had started saying things like, "I wish you would go to work and Daddy would stay home."  "I wish you would leave me alone!"  "Why don't you ever just go away?" and the #1 favorite of mine, "Why can't I have a day without you around?"  Son was the opposite.  He would not let other people hold him.  Even Him couldn't put Son to bed cuz Son would scream until I went into his room, picked him up, kissed him, told him it was bedtime and laid him back down.  Daughter was annoyed by me always being around and Son was so used to me he wanted no one else around.

It was a breaking point.  I needed to be out of the house...for the sake of the family...they needed to miss me.

I went out St. Patty's day weekend to see some of my friends in a band play at this small town bar and grill.  I liked the bar's atmosphere and look and after seeing the female owner toss a guy out without taking any shit...I was in love!  I returned to the bar the following Monday and got a part-time bartending job.  It went first.  I liked most of the girls I was working with and I was out of the house 2-3 nights a week giving everybody the space and time we were all needing.  I went for a part-time job and was fine working the occasional Sunday.  Slowly though I got back into my old routine of offering myself up for all the shifts no one else was willing to cover and I went from 2-3 nights a week to 4-5 shifts a week with every other Sunday.  The month of May came along and I realized I had to work Mother's Day...sucky.  So, I made plans with Daughter to go to a street fair the Sunday before.  We had talked all about riding the rides and eating cotton candy and elephant ears and playing games to win a unicorn a la "Despicable Me".  The Saturday night before our planned Mommy-Daughter outing, at 11:30pm...I was told I was working the Sunday before Mother's Day and would have Mother's Day off.  I said something about how I had plans with my daughter and was greeted with the happily stated response that I should be happy because now I could spend Mother's Day with my family.  Yeah, I should be happy that now, with no notice, I have to cancel plans with my 4 year old daughter?  I should be happy cuz now I got to spend a day with her that we had not made plans cuz I was supposed to work?  I should be happy because this particular day I was now getting the pleasure of having off was named "Mother's Day" even though my day was planned for the Sunday that now I was being told I had to work?  I was not happy!

Like I said, it went first.  I went home and told Daughter that I wouldn't be able to do our planned outing cuz I had to work.  She instantly screamed in my face, with little fists balled, "I HATE your job!" and ran away.  Yep, I should be happy!

Some night in June, I came home from my job that I was slowly starting to dislike at about midnight and got ready for bed.  I walked up the stairs to my bedroom, started crawling my tired butt into my bed when I hear, "MOMMY!" in a frantic scream come from Daughter's room.  I run in there, suddenly VERY awake.  I grab Daughter to me and ask what's wrong.  She tells me she had a bad dream but didn't want to really tell me about it.  She grabbed tight to me and told me she was happy I came home.  I thought that was a weird statement but hey, I was happy that Daughter was happy to see me!  In the morning I asked her about her bad dream.  All she would say is that she was worried I would never come home.  After probing a good part of the day, she finally said, "I was dreaming that you liked your job better than me cuz you don't have to deal with me being bad there and I thought you would never come home."  Oh yes, I cried!  I hugged her tight to me and tried desperately to explain that I love her so much no matter what even when she's being difficult and I don't have a job to get away from her, I have a job so she can have time with Daddy and we can buy her cool things like the big playset we bought her for her birthday.  Yeah, a 4 year old doesn't really understand that but she was happy to hear that I missed her when I was at work too.

Now fast forward to July, Wednesday and Thursday were my normal nights off.  Seeing as how the 4th of July was a Thursday and no one had told me different I planned on it being my night off and Him had the whole day off.  So,  I made plans to enjoy an entire day as a family.  We were going to go to the parade in the morning, boating in the afternoon, grill out in the backyard for dinner and watch the fireworks as a family at night.  It was going to be a great day!  July 2 at 6:30pm, Tuesday night, I was told the "schedule" for the 4th wasn't finalized yet.  I was confused cuz we didn't have a schedule really, everybody had a set schedule, we all knew the nights we were expected to be there.  Apparently, holidays were different.  I was not informed.  I went to the owner and inquired whether or not I was expected to work, letting her know that no, I didn't want to and that I had made plans with my family since as of the 2nd I was not told I was supposed to work.  She got mad and said, "What? You think I can run a busy night with the 2 girls that normally do Thursday nights and so you should just have the whole day off?"  I replied, biting back what I really wanted to say, with, "Since it's Tuesday and the 4th is Thursday I guess I would've thought if I was expected to work I would've known before now."  She stated that she would try to get me the night off but there was little to no chance.  The girl I was working Tuesday night with had made plans with her family too and was equally pissed when the owner then started speaking with regulars and yes, I quote, said, "Here I am 2 nights before a busy night and these 2 girls are whining about not wanting to work cuz they already made plans with their families!"  The girl I was working with promptly went up, and I wanted to high-five her, and said, "The part she's leaving out is that we don't normally work Thursdays and it's 2 days away and we still haven't actually been informed that we're supposed to work!"

At 11pm on Tueday, July 2, we were informed we would both be canceling our plans and we would be expected to be to work at 4pm on the 4th.  Insta-pissed!  I have to cancel plans with my daughter again with little to no notice?  Son won't really care cuz he's only 1 and doesn't get the plans and all but Daughter?  Yep!

So, in the morning I let Daughter know what's going on and she was upset to say the least!  She told me she hated my job and that my job ruined everything and she wished I would just quit.

On the 4th, I still went to the parade with the family in the morning and it was fun!  Daughter got all kinds of candy.  She saw some friends in the parade.  I sat right on the curb with her, hugging her when the louder sirens went off.  I went up on your friend's porch and sat with Son who got to enjoy his first freezy pop.  It was a wonderful morning.  We came home and I started getting ready for work.  When I went to walk out the door, Daughter came running at me, hugged herself tight around my thighs, and with a tear soaked face said, "Mama, you don't have to go!  I've been good all day!"

Mama, me, had a breakdown all the way to work.  I pulled into my parking space and wiped my face as well as I could and decided I didn't give a damn.  I walked in with red rimmed eyes and when people asked what was wrong I just shook my head and said, "Don't have a good reason for being here..."  It was busy that night and I got out right after the fireworks ended.  I got home just in time to miss kissing my beautiful children goodnight and I determined they did need to miss me but not as much as they were.  I went in the next day and quit.  So I am happily job-free now.  That's different than jobless.  Now I just need to find a part time job that will stay part time and won't expect me to choose it over my family.  One thing is for certain though, my family will always win!

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